How to Speak to a Co-Worker Who is Being Abused

"I think one of my co-workers may be experiencing domestic violence... what should I do?"

You might feel awkward bringing up domestic violence with a co-worker. That's a natural reaction. And you don't want to put her on the spot if she's not ready to talk. But you can let her know that you support her.

If your co-worker has unexplained bruises, or explanations that just don't add up, if she is distracted, has trouble concentrating, misses work often, or receives repeated, upsetting telephone calls during the day, she may be in an abusive relationship.

Guidelines for Co-workers

Many people hesitate to speak with women who they think are being abused because they don't quite know what to say or how to say it. Be yourself and you'll automatically communicate what's important: your concern.

You may hesitate to get involved because you see domestic violence as a personal matter. Because what goes on away from work isn't your business. But many women find it hard to ask for help, especially when they have reached out for help in the past and been blamed for the violence instead. Most battered women who are offered help deeply appreciate it , even if they don't say so. For many women, it takes a lot of time, planning, help, and courage to escape the violence. In the meantime, it is important for women to know that help is available from people who know and care about the situation. Knowing people are out there offering help makes it much easier for women to take action.

So if you know someone who is being abused by her husband or boyfriend, there are many things you can do that will make a real difference.

How do you know something is wrong?

There are lots of ways you can tell if something is wrong. Perhaps your co-worker often has unexplained injuries. She may appear anxious, upset or depressed. The quality of her work may fluctuate for no apparent reason. She may also be receiving a lot of harassing phone calls or faxes. She may become upset when she gets calls from her husband, boyfriend, girlfriend or partner. Or she might have a high absenteeism rate, due to frequent medical problems and fears about leaving children at home alone with the abuser.

How you can lend a hand:

• Establish a rapport with her if you don't already have one, so that she feels comfortable talking with you and not put on the spot.

• Listen, without judging. Often a battered woman believes her abuser's negative messages about herself. She may feel responsible, ashamed, inadequate, and afraid she will be judged by you.

• Let her know that you care about her. Tell her she is not responsible for the abuse. Explain that physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable. There's no excuse for it - not alcohol or drugs, financial pressure, depression, jealousy, or any behavior of hers.

• Make sure she knows she is not alone. Millions of women of every age, race and religion face abuse, and many women find it extremely difficult to deal with the violence. Emphasize that when she wants help, it is available. (Call 1-800-799-SAFE, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, to find local resources.) Let her know that domestic violence tends to get worse and become more frequent with time, and that it does not go away on its own.

• Explain that domestic violence is a crime - as much of a crime as robbery or rape - and that she can seek protection from the police or courts, and help from a domestic violence program. Give her phone numbers she can call for help and referrals.

• Give her written materials about what she can do to protect herself. Local shelters have this information.

• If you want to talk with someone yourself to get advice, contact a local domestic violence program. They can help you figure out what is best to do in your situation.

What if she decides to remain in the relationship?

• Many women remain in the relationship, and try to get help for their abusers. Remember that, for many women, separating from an abusive partner is a process and not an event, and takes time. Realize that often the most dangerous time for a woman is when she threatens the batterer's control by attempting to leave.

• Respect the employee's boundaries and privacy, even if you disagree with the decisions she is making regarding the relationship. A survivor of domestic violence may make numerous attempts to leave the abusive relationship, but is often difficult because of financial and childcare responsibilities, or threats of violence. Be patient and understanding.

• Encourage her to call a domestic violence hotline or Employee Assistance Program to get help developing a safety plan.

• Suggest she tell her doctor or nurse about the violence, asking him or her to document the abuse in her medical records and take photographs of her injuries. Suggest she store them in a safe place, along with a written description of what happened. These records may be helpful to her if she decides to take legal action in the future.

What if she decides to leave?

If she decides to leave her relationship, she may need money, help finding a place to live, a place to store her belongings, or help getting to a battered women's shelter. The most important thing you can do is help her develop a safety plan, which includes setting aside money and important documents in a safe place and making a plan to increase her safety. Domestic violence programs can help. Make sure she knows about all of the safeguards and assistance that the workplace can offer her, which might include security escorts to her car, priority parking near the building, temporary assignments in other locations or time off from work.

Regardless of her decisions or actions, respect confidentiality in all your discussions with her.

What if I Am a Domestic Violence Survivor or Grew Up in a Violent Home?
Is There Anything Special I Can Do?

If you have first hand experience with domestic violence, one powerful thing you can do is tell your story to others. Let friends, co-workers and your community know about your experience and expertise in this area. Let other women see the life you have built as a survivor. Being open about what you went through or witnessed also helps remove the stigma of being abused.

Adapted from The National Workplace Resource Center On Domestic Violence, A Project of the Family Violence Prevention Fund.